me plus one equals....one??

All of a sudden anything that I am invited to has become an invitation for Alice plus one. I don't have a plus one, so what do I do??

Do I take along one of my many "boyfriends"?? When I say boyfriends I mean, a guy...who is my friend...who likes men just as much as me and is on first name terms with the sales assistants in selfridges and who has perfectly groomed eyebrows. I mean, what woman wouldn't want to turn up to an event with a polite, well dressed and groomed man on their side complimenting every female in the room on their choice of accessories. But the problem comes when you hear people's whispers, talking about my quite clearly homosexual partner and them thinking that Im the only one in the room that isnt aware of his blatant sexuality and that due to this our faux relationship is doomed.

Alternatively, I can always take one of my beer drinking, rugby playing, lynx smelling guy friends that don't understand the benefits of threading over waxing, unless it involves one of their friends pubic hair when passed out after a night out. My guy friends are an essential factor in my life and not just because they are always willing to get me steaming drunk and put oil in my car, but because I have always needed male company ever since I was little. But are these guys really a good option as a stand in plus one? Yes they are always fun to be with and even though they may not be quite as well dressed the majority of them scrub up pretty well. But do I want to be there when they have had five jagerbombs too many and are hitting on the bride telling her that "the groom will never need find out"?

Im not a bitter and twisted, men hating single. Im pretty much of the opinion that if you cant attend an event without a plus one, then you need to re-evaluate your life. Your clearly not coping!! But my problem is with an up and coming birthday I, along with my non-existant plus one have been invited to. It is the birthday of someone very important in my life (and id like to think that she feels the same way!!) so i'm not going to miss it for the world. Here comes the but....I won't know anyone else there, its a free bar and a free hotel, motel holiday inn room so I basically need someone to stand at the bar with (maybe hold back my hair after I puke up the free alcohol) and then spoon me in the free bed...it would be rude not to!!! Who the hell do I try to persuade to come with me, someone that wont try to bed a guest, or mince around the dance floor to basshunter??!!

Any offers, apply within!!